Marriage

So, I was meandering about the internet last night when I heard this sound. It came from my bedroom where my husband was sleeping. He was snoring, but that wasn't the sound I heard. What I also heard was:

My husband farting.

In his sleep.

And it wasn't a small little quilt ruffle, it echoed!

This got me to thinking about all the things I didn't know about being married, specifically the living together aspect of the relationship. I mean, I've lived with my family and with roommates, but living with my husband is SO different! So, here is a list (I LOVE lists!) of the things that I wish I somebody had told me about before I got married. (Not that it would have changed things, but it would have been super nice to know!!)

1. "My" and "Your" stuff, space, time and life CEASE to exist! Everything becomes "our," "we," and "us." I find myself writing in the proverbial "we" all the time in regards to making plans - but it's not proverbial anymore. I really mean that I have to check "our" calendar to make sure "we" don't have plans so I can schedule an outing with a friend. I no longer sleep in my own room and every space is now shared space. I never really understood my mom's desperate need for her own room until I didn't have one of my own anymore. The stuff I brought into the relationship is no longer being used by just me. Somebody else is sleeping in my bed, sitting on my couch, using my dishes and freaking SQUISHING MY PILLOWS!

*ahem* Moving on.

2. Boys are really gross. *REALLY* gross. I should know this, I grew up with a boy. My brother's teen years were spent in a room that was dark and smelled weird. His socks were found in interesting places and sometimes I had to forage a path just to get through to my room. But he is my brother. Living with a different boy that I didn't grow up with is weird and gross in an entirely different way. Thankfully my husband doesn't come with the bathroom grossness that some boys come with, and he's pretty tidy when it comes to piles of mail. But the other day, I walked passed the bathroom and he was holding my cuticle scissors up near a pimple. I caught is eye in the mirror, cringed a lot little inside, said, "I DO hope you wash that when you are done. WITH. SOAP." and walked away. He also leaves used tissues everywhere, has potato sized earwax, clips his nails everywhere but over a trash can, puts on clothes that were previously on the floor, uses dirty silverware, doesn't seem to have a problem with dirty dishes piling up for weeks and, if I wasn't there to remind him that it's been a while, he would probably never change the sheets! Oh and the farting thing, he has been known to scare my cats with his farts! And it they just don't stop, even in his sleep!

3. Both of us are from completely different worlds. We may only be two and a half years apart in age and we grew up in the 80's and 90's. However, his 80's and 90's were completely different from mine. He didn't do the same things, listen to the same music or even wear the same type of clothing. He loved high school, I hated it with the furry of a thousand fiery suns!! Okay, a bit dramatic there. Anyway, the only things we bond over from our childhoods are television shows. We are constantly having conversations about our childhoods where we have to stop and explain something to each other that we thought the other one experienced. That book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, it is so true!

3. Privacy all but disappears. Remember #1 about "your" space being now "our" space? Yeah. That includes places that were very private before, like bathrooms. The husband tried in the beginning to use the bathroom with the door open, I put a stop to that. That door stays CLOSED. No exceptions. No excuses. Except...that it happens. One day, while using the bathroom you will forget that the new package of toilet paper is still in the place where you left it, behind the couch, and not in the bathroom where you ABSOLUTELY need it. And you will have to call for your husband to bring it to you. When that happens, he will see you (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN) on the toilet. And with that, your last private space has been officially invaded.

4. They will see you do your secret single behaviors. Remember in Sex and the City where Carrie talks about eating crackers with jelly over the sink and Charlotte talks about spending hours with the lighted magnifying mirror inspecting her pores? Those were their "secret single behaviors." Things that they would never do in front of another person, ESPECIALLY somebody they are in a relationship with. When you are married, you have a choice, you either can stop these behaviors, or just allow them to be discovered. That other person is going to see your secret single behaviors. There is really no way around this. There is NO more private space, remember?

...Oh, what is *my* secret single behavior? If I told you that, it wouldn't be a secret anymore!

5. Other people are weird. I know what you are saying, I'm just now figuring this out?! I have known this for a while now, but living with somebody really brings things into perspective. My husband does some weird stuff! His idea of doing the dishes is to stack the dirty dishes in neat piles on the counter, right in front of the microwave. He gets frustrated when the mail pile is not straight, neat and tidy but will ignore a messy bathroom for like ever. He doesn't see the problem with putting on clothes that were just recently on the floor, "What? I only wore them one day! I think..." He can't remember the type of cat food we buy and often brought the wrong kind home - until I sent him pictures of the food. Oh, and when he takes something apart that is being held together by hardware, he puts the hardware "somewhere safe." However, when it's time to put the thing back together, the hardware is lost. I can't tell you how many times this has happened! Eventually I got rid of anything that could be taken apart. No more flimsy shelving units for this family. Oh, and things don't get put away in logical places. Wires for things get put in the first empty space he can find. "Honey, where's the charger for the Kindle?" "Oh, it's in the closet in the living room." "How about the charger for your blue tooth thing?" "Oh, that's in the cabinet in the hallway." What? Seriously?! Why can't all chords just go in one container or space?!

And lastly:

6. When he is gone, I miss him. Like, a lot. Nobody told me that another person would be able to weasel his way into my life and my heart like this. When he's gone, for like more then just work or school, I feel like a puppy who's favorite person has just left the room. It physically hurts. Like I misplaced something very important and I can't find it. I spent 27 years of my life (mostly) single and happy- then he came along and ruined everything!

*sniff*

Stupid love.